you will never know the true number of layers
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I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]