Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone