I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
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[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron