Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
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[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Strangers have the best candy.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP