Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
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5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
There’s always that one guy
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.