The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
You Might Also Like
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting