In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
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interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).