A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
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getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
🤣
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.