‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
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the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
a fate I wish upon no one
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS