This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
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The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.