Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
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Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.