Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job