I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
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doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit