Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
The point of your 20s
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
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