I think about this a lot
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Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.