I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
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84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.