fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
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It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Those are good neighbors.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.