Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
She was REALLY feeling it.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.