Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
How to properly lift a body
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story