I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is