I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
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Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!