Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
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Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
The internet is full of many things
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”