[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
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To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
They’re stuck in your pants?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.