Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.