I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.