Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Thursday Thought.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.