ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
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Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.