The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle