police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
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I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
The Sun
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.