Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
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Twitter is an abusement park.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I鈥檓 assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim鈥檚 house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
live long and prosper!
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that鈥檚 exactly what I needed in that moment 馃珷
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Every husband sings this song 馃槀馃ぃ馃槀 馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
The ending is priceless 馃槅馃槅馃槅
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You鈥檝e never heard of tissues
2) You鈥檙e doing a magic trick
1) You鈥檙e hiding your face to rob a train
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that鈥檚 the guy who knows where all the treats are
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 馃槀馃槀
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall鈥檚 aggressive kiosk people.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it鈥檚 true
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.