Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Okey dokey.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?