Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
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We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.