EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*