Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Proctology is located in A55
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.