*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
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If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Ron is short for Aaronald
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.