“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.