Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
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[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
live long and prosper!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.