A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
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me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
CRYING
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.