Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Who says great literature is dead?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
the rocks need my help
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine