One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
when revenge coincides with naptime
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Sheep
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.