Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
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I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Meme Monday.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.