My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
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Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
ugh not again
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin