I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
What is going on? 😅