Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
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Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I falcon love using swear birds
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
New Tinder profile.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.