Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
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[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Candles never taste the way they smell
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
every single time
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot