[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
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Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids