“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
let’s discuss
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.