I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
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sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Lassie, get help!
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
May have had one breakfast too many
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me