Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
You Might Also Like
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
yeet
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.