Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
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Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
damn he’s good
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]